Why is it do I feel that I'm always chasing a number? Is is just me or do other women, men and our fellow mankind fall into this never ending trap?
I was thinking about this the other day while I was searching for gas. Cheaper gas that the $3.69 a gallon that was offered by our home. I did find gas for cheaper, one cent cheaper at $3.68 a gallon. In these tough economic times I'm sure we all seek affordable fuel but in my quest for cheaper gas did I really win by saving one cent per gallon? Not really. It was then during this thought process that I realized I was chasing a number and that chasing numbers applied to my whole life.
People on the whole are always looking to increase their salary, grow their wealth, diversify and multiply their investments. I don't think we are ever really satisfied with our income, if so not for long, as we strive to make more and do less in our day to day tasks. Not once have I ever heard anyone say "No, I make to much money as is. I can't accept that bonus or rage increase." When it comes to our careers our gratification is tied to our justification to grow our rate of pay. I think we are all guilty of chasing the all mighty dollar.
I'm currently blessed with a beautiful daughter that I love dearly. I waited a long time to have her and she means the world to me. In the same breath I will also tell you that I want more, I want a second child. What is the void that makes me long for another child? Why is she not enough? I see pregnant women at work and feel a twinge of jealousy that they have a life growing inside of them while I do not. I'm truly happy for them but I think why not me? I know that I have much to be thankful for and I'm blessed with a family and child while many people can't or don't have what I get to go home to everyday. Even with all that I have I know I'm chasing descendants to add to our family tree.
We live in a two bedroom, two bath home in a decent subdivision. We have a nice house, wonderful neighbors and no association fees. Yet, I strongly feel like we need to move to a bigger house. If that second child ever comes where am I going to put them and all of their stuff? I don't have a guest room per say so wouldn't it be nicer to have a room just for guests? What about a scrapbooking room, toy room, pool and lush landscaped backyard? Not 100% fulfilled with what I have I dream of adding on to our home. A second floor, a two car garage, walk-in closets and a master bath with a jacuzzi tub. Why is a roof over my head, four solid walls and green grass underneath my feet in our backyard not enough? Is my current home not where my heart is? It seems I'm chasing a castle in the sky.
It's 11:56 p.m. now. It'll be later than that by the time I finish this post. I still have a million things to do and no time to do them. Put away laundry, something I truly fail at every week, pack my daughters bag for school, pay bills, make food for a potluck tomorrow at work. This is just the small daily list. What about trying to finish college, hike the Appalachian Trail with my father before he dies, see my daughter graduate college, get married, have grandchildren and fulfill all of my goals, dreams, and own personal bucket list? There isn't enough time in the day to do everything I need to do or that I think I need to do. Tick tock, tick tock, the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years continue to fly by and I don't know where they've gone. I'm chasing numbers that will ultimately measure the length of time for my life on this Earth.
As a women I feel like I'm always trying to lose a few pounds. I want to be slimmer, lighter, healthier and I think that by achieving this weight lose I'll be happier. For me this is a skewed thought process even though I can't stop the madness. At my lowest weight, 115 pounds eight years ago, I still thought I looked fat in a bathing suit. My best friend on the other hand thought that I looked like a victim from a concentration camp. At my heaviest, when I was pregnant with my daughter six years ago, I felt great and I thought I looked radiant. Hey, my feet didn't swell so life was good. Now as I struggle to lose a few pounds, a few clothes sizes, several inches, I wonder if chasing these numbers will truly make me happy. Will this race of chasing a lower number on the scale ever end?
I doubt I will ever be able to end this cycle of chasing numbers within my life. My hope though, lies here with this picture of an Elephant that I took while on vacation. The African Elephant, the largest land mammal on Earth. Massive, majestic and magnificent. This animal I photographed was scared, old and yet so beautiful. Like it, I one day hope that I can find contentment in my life with myself. Then maybe my days of chasing numbers will end.
